Serena Solomon is a writer, mother of two young children and enjoys solo vacations.
There is nothing that destroys the friendship of two parents like a child showing up at the door.
It’s a scene that will leave you searching for the cover of the paper, spouting absurd explanations involving bees and wearing a red face. However, it does not have to be a dangerous event if what they see is mutual and respectful.
“Of course, getting your child into the middle of the activity can be difficult,” said Hamilton-play therapist at Side by Side Therapy Claire Millichamp, “but it’s not an activity that will help them. damage if explained and followed carefully.”
Child watching is different from forcing or allowing a child to watch sex.
“Children should never have to watch the adults in their lives having sex,” Millichamp said, referring to what is considered rape.
While it’s hard to know how many children view parents who have sex, it comes up frequently for clients of Jo Robertson, sexologist, parenting coach and co-founder of Makes Sense, a campaign to see internet filters work. New Zealand for illegal porn and violence.
Robertson said: “I get it from both sides that parents are concerned, but then I have worked with many adults who remember going in as a child, what they did for them or what they interpreted.” from that, the various effects it had, whether they were good, political or bad. “
In the end, it is not necessary for a child to have the advice of Robertson and Millichamp comes from two sides: first, there is prevention and if this fails, to correct the situation properly.
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Jo Robertson is a sex worker, parenting coach and co-founder of Makes Sense, a New Zealand internet filter campaign for illegal sex and violence.
Avoidance
Young children are curious about a good record of respecting privacy so the best prevention is just a lock on the door, Robertson said.
“What that obviously means is that you often have a boyfriend in the room so it can take away some of your intimacy,” he said.
Not only do you see parents having sex, you can also hear the noise. To the untrained ear, good sex sounds like someone is suffering. Robertson recommended using music and lighting to your advantage.
“It gives [parents] peace of mind knowing that the voice is not heard,” he said, “and if a child stumbles and doesn’t have a lock on the door, the lighting is very limited.”
Privacy is a learned behavior that parents can start to encourage in their children from the age of four.
“So if, for example, they come in when you’re going to the bathroom, it’s a good idea to start teaching them ‘Hey, knock before you enter the room, ask if it’s okay to sit,'” Robertson said.
Repair
If your child catches you having sex, here’s what you can do:
Stop: “If [the child or children] “They’re over a year old and sitting in the room, watching or watching, it’s best to hit the relationship first so that their emotional needs can be met,” Millichamp said.
Keep Calm: That’s Millichamp and Robertson’s first step in helping a child understand what he’s seen — and the first challenge for parents.
“They’re not going to be very surprised by what’s happened and they’re not going to be very surprised by what you’re doing, and at the same time they’re going to feel that something bad has happened and that they’re in trouble,” Robertson said.
“Being calm and not spoiling at the moment is good,” he added.
Talk to them: If a child is less than eight or ten years old, they may not understand enough about sex to know what they saw. If that’s the case, Millichamp advises them to go with their interest, and start the conversation with words like these: “You know that before you came to meet us in the bedroom, maybe you were thinking about what you saw.”
For this small group, using the word sex is unnecessary, Robertson said. Instead, saying “a special hug” or “something only adults do and we were making our bodies feel good together” is age appropriate. The key is to emphasize that it’s for adults, Robertson said.
“Sometimes the little ones can get scared because it might seem like one of the adults is getting hurt or they hear a loud noise,” said Millichamp. Answer this – “You were scared when you heard that noise, but we’re all safe in here” or “You were scared to see Mom like that, but we’re safe in here.”
When you talk to older children and teenagers, you may think there is enough background information. “…even if you live in a family where you prioritize talking about sex, bodies, genitals and so on, they may show shame or not talk at all,” said Millichamp. “It’s still important to follow through.”
He suggested starting the following conversation: “Yes, I know it was difficult to see me and Dad having sex last night. It’s the last thing you want to see. We enjoyed being together. I’m happy to talk if you want”
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Claire Millichamp Hamilton-based play therapist at Side by Side Therapy is a children’s author.
Talk to them again:Bring it up again a day or two after the first conversation because children learn from repetition, according to Robertson.
We can ask them, ‘What did you see? How did you feel? What do you think is going on,’” he said.
Training period: A child walking on a parent who is having sex is an opportunity to talk about good sex, where communication is involved between partners to achieve something that is harmonious, comfortable and painless, said Robertson.
“I always tell parents that children are capable of many things because they are brave and resourceful,” said Robertson.
Unlike visiting parents in the process, a child who stumbles upon pornography can be harmful, especially if they are not comfortable talking to an adult about what they have seen.
“[Porn] it is degrading to women. It’s also very clear so you see all the genitals because of the camera position,” said Robertson.
“…But what you see in the bedroom often doesn’t make sense.”
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