Karen Nimmo is a psychologist
A married woman had a boyfriend.
“I’m not proud of it,” she said, nervously twisting her wedding ring. “It goes against everything I believe in, personally and socially. And I’m afraid of destroying my family.”
For five months, he felt the growth of his secret relationship. Arranging meetings, sending late night text messages, deleting the messages, making excuses, hiding his movements, calling his phone close at hand all the time.
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He didn’t want to end the relationship but he knew it was a high game. Also boring, guilty, anxious.
“I can’t go on like this. It scared me a lot.”
He reached where many in secret relationships.
The excitement was no longer indicative of danger.
Heat, then Not
Secrets, of any kind, have appeal.
There is a joy associated with “doing what we shouldn’t do”; in hidden relationships the preoccupation – even the obsession – with someone who is not allowed to us, is fun and exciting.
For some, the secret in love is love. Some people seek secret relationships because it helps them keep their lovers far away, outside of their culture, reducing the risk of (much) pain if it ends.
But for many who enter into intimate relationships, it can be overwhelming. Not only the stress of carrying a secret, but also that they can’t share their joy (or pain) of their love with others, they can’t go out without looking over their shoulders, they can’t meet and enjoy each other’s friends. , they cannot show love in front of people, they cannot include the person in their daily life.
Eventually it becomes unstable so it ends – mostly without excitement or a storm of emotions.
There are many…
As my client discovered, returning to a “public” relationship after being private, has its own set of challenges.
His marriage was not perfect; she and her husband were tired and weary, they were separated, their communication was difficult, they fought over many small things.
The relationship gave him a break from the strain of a long relationship, he found that he had more strength than he thought possible. She believed that her boyfriend showed her how love should be.
He agreed that it was impossible for them to be together. But after the intense attraction and happiness she felt for someone else, she gave up trying to reconnect with her husband and make her family work.
Many people think that therapists see a lot of people who have been hurt by their partner’s infidelity. Although this is the case on a large scale, people who cheat also suffer.
My lover felt guilty and ashamed for betraying her husband. They were always worried about being caught, about a plot that would destroy their family; how his children would trust him if they knew. She lost weight, had stomach problems and was feeling unwell.
So she knew that the stress of keeping a secret was taking its toll on her health. They knew it couldn’t last, and agreed to end it before it was discovered.
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But her boyfriend gave her a new perspective on relationships. She had never felt such a level of connection with her husband – and she longed for more. And that desire undermined his integrity in his marriage.
When her husband – who was unaware of the affair – offered couples counseling, she refused. “I know I have to try but I don’t know if I want to,” he said.
They fought for a year, then decided to separate.
She didn’t break up with the man she was dating. She stayed in her marriage and eventually ended the relationship as a “big mistake” and “just sex” which hurt her deeply. His anxiety went through the roof. Every time he saw this man – he lived in the same area – he was very upset. And it went on for a long time.
It would be wrong to say that all hidden relationships are bad. They may work sometimes for other people. They can meet specific needs. A few can live, even grow well, for many years.
But the burden of carrying a secret, the inevitable heartbreak when it ends, and the fallout of your entire life, can be overwhelming.
So if you go there, know that if the relationship is secret, it will be difficult to keep it. Even if it does, it will be painful.
And the odd victim might be you.
#hidden #relationships #fun #arent
