Divorce Notes: My husband beat his wife

From the Capsule team

Welcome to our series, The Divorce Diaries: In our previous episodes over the past year we’ve discussed everything from when you can get a divorce to whether or not you have a medical condition to how being on birth control pills can affect your chances! and now I’ve talked to many women – including one whose husband announced he was leaving her for an affair with a 19-year-old, another who was ghosted by her husband and who she found out the real reason why her husband divorced her was because she had a child with his sister.

Today, we hear from a woman who found out that her husband beat a woman – a friend of hers. Her husband lost his job and eventually learned the truth about what her husband had done. Sarah tells the story but says it’s not really about her – she doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her – instead, she hopes women will know that other women will always be there to help them if they come. he has been beaten.

The phone rang in the middle of the night. Calling at that time is rarely good news.

READ MORE:
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* Divorce Diaries: ‘My husband had an affair with his ex-wife… I can’t decide whether to stay or leave’
* Divorce Diaries: ‘I was in the bathroom when I found out my husband had an affair’

Sarah’s phone is usually off, but she was overseas due to a family emergency and had a habit of having her phone close to her when she traveled.

When she picked up the phone, completely asleep and late, and saw that it was her husband, she wondered if she had just confused the time difference again. He hoped it wasn’t bad. She hoped her children – who now live far from home – were safe.

But her husband sounded disappointed. He had a bit of a bad reputation, he said. When Sara realized that everyone was alive, she listened to their stories.

He had been fired. He had been released, or stood down, or something (he seemed to be using different ways of explaining it as he stumbled over his words). He spoke in shock.

Most of it was confusing. Someone complained, he said, a complaint was made and the whole thing was a misunderstanding. But he wanted to know immediately if someone would meet him.

Sarah said: “I remember asking, ‘Who’s going to call me?’” “And he said, ‘I don’t know, reporter? I don’t know how these things work!’ That’s when something in my stomach started to cry. I knew there was more to the story than what he was saying.

“I asked him what kind of story was made up and he told me that a girl at his work had a crush on him and when he rejected her offer, he just made up a story.”

He says that after trying to find out more, which he said he is still trying to find out, he ended the call and tried to sleep again.

“That was years ago now and I still don’t think I’ve had a good night’s sleep since.”

There’s not much to reveal, but Sarah’s husband has been fired from his job – a job he later lost after it was confirmed that he had sexually assaulted his female colleague, Kate. Her husband still denies it happened, but has changed his story several times. At first he denied any contact had taken place, and admitted it did, but it was mutual.

Sarah said: “Six months after he first told me about this, I read what his friend said and I knew after reading that, that he did it, without a doubt,” said Sarah. “I never thought my husband – the man I’ve known for years – could do it, but when I read some of his words, I knew he did it. It was him.”

Sarah said that it “took her a long time” to figure this out. He said: “To be honest, I suspect that he made a mistake when he called me that night while I was on the other side of the country.” “I felt that something was wrong with what he was telling me. Honestly? I was hoping she was dating him. To think he’s going to beat him, then… well, there’s no word, there is. “

Admitting that her husband could do this was terrifying.

She said: “It meant re-examining every moment of my marriage.” “It broke my heart in a million ways. It messed up my family. It meant countless conversations, including with my kids. The words ‘disgraceful’ or ‘disrespectful’ don’t even begin to cover it.”

Sarah said: “But look, I don’t want to focus on that. “This is not about me. I would hate for anyone to read this and think about me, or feel sorry for me. Because even though it has lifted my spirits, yes, it is nothing compared to being beaten. Kate is the one who has endured the worst, and deserves to be lifted up and supported. That’s why I wanted to talk about it and not hide everything. “

Sarah says that after reading the words, she broke things off with her husband – who had been separated for months before, while planning their wedding. He then contacted his friend, to see if he could reach Kate instead.

Sarah said: “I wanted to qualify. But I didn’t want to hurt him by hearing or seeing anything from me. I was frustrated with what I had to do, but I felt it was important to me that they know they have my support. My husband told him that no one would believe him – especially not me – and I think it happens that way, often. But I didn’t want it to be selfish, as I tried to minimize my guilt in the situation (it’s funny how you can feel guilty for something you didn’t do, but it feels like your burden is done by your spouse), but I hated the idea of ​​him thinking that he didn’t have to pay for everything he did with everything in his life. It cost him his job, his reputation, and his family. I wanted him to know that. I thank him.”

Sarah says she often thinks about Kate and if there were more women like her.

“What if he wasn’t the first?” He says. “What if he was the first to act?” I think about this for days and think about how he prevented it from happening to someone else. I wanted to thank him, honestly, for not doing this to anyone else.”

In the end, Kate agreed to receive a handwritten letter from Sarah.

“What on earth do you say to a woman who has been through hell for her husband?” said Sarah. “What do you say to a woman who was raped by your husband?” There is no manual for this. “

But Sara knew what was in his heart and gave it away.

He ended up receiving a letter, and he and Kate have been in contact via email.

Sarah said: “It has been a few years now, and he has been successful in many of his projects and it has given me joy and admiration to see him succeed.

And in those years Sara is also learning to be ahead in her life.

He said: “The treatment has been very effective. “I think I’m in a place where I can allow myself to invite joy into my life and feel worthy. For the last time, I didn’t feel worthy. My ex-husband’s actions ruined every happy memory, or confidence I had in myself, my beliefs, and my awareness. But I’m returning it.” He says that one of the biggest problems I have to deal with is the unexpected. Unfortunately, now he is separated from his elderly mother after continuing to believe that her husband could not beat, and he could not understand Sarah’s decision to divorce him.

“He came from an era of ‘stand by your husband’, along with other religious beliefs, which I think means that even if he sees him as capable of his wrongdoing, he will still see the big problem in being the one I chose. divorce him. Once again, medical treatment is helping me and with the help of a doctor I have set limits for myself which means that I will no longer push my mother to communicate or to accept me.”

Sarah says she wanted to share her story for several reasons.

“Sexual violence is very common, and it is often reported,” he says. “I want women to know that there are many of us out there who can help you if you come.

“And if there are any women out there like me, who have been there, trying to hide any thoughts or feelings that tell us that our husbands have done something very wrong, that it is not worse to face this than it is. That is living that lie. I wish I had realized that sooner. . It’s one of my many regrets, but it’s one I’m learning to live with. I’m not saying your husband did something as bad as mine, but maybe you know the ugly truth about your partner. It’s a lonely and sad life keeping up appearances and keeping up that fake relationship than face the truth. As they say, the truth will set you free.”

Where to get help

• Rape Crisis 0800 88 33 00, click the link to find the nearest helpline.

• Victim Support 0800 842 846.

• Safetalk text 4334, phone 0800 044 334 webchat safetotalk.nz or email support@safetotalk.nz.

• Harbor Online support and information for victims of sexual violence.

• Women’s Refuge 0800 733 843

• Male Survivors Aotearoa Helplines across NZ, click for details (men only).

• If you or someone else is in danger, call 111.

• If you or someone you know is at risk, click the Shielded icon at the bottom of this page to contact Women’s Refuge in a secure and anonymous way without tracking your browser. If you’re in our program, visit the phone page here to get Shielded.