The Kirstie and Phil Show: Why shopping ‘there’ seems so weird to Kiwis

Colleen Hawkes is a senior reporter for Stuff/Homed

RELATED: Place, Place, Place 20 years on, and Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer look back on their most memorable house hunt in the UK.

I know this because I devoured a dozen episodes of LLL 20 Years and counting on TVNZ+ over the weekend (it was wet). Which means I watched 24 house hunts and watched K&P get old fast, then start over, over and over again one evening, and the next night. It was fun trying to figure out if Phil had a nose job. (I doubt it, but I stop.)

Seeing so many views in such a short period of time has really helped make the difference in house hunting in the UK versus Aotearoa New Zealand. And it wasn’t good, by any means.

Buying property in the UK is very smart, according to LLL. Not once did the words “low maintenance” appear in the six titles I looked at, visiting a dozen homes. Even when it was clear that a single woman was making a choice between a small property and a more caring one. One wanted to cost him a lot of money on the way.

And no one has ever questioned the complexity of the arrangement. Even when the vacant, slightly damaged building had evidence of water damage, rot and mold – old black, damp paper was peeling off the walls (see video above).

They were selling a piece of land to a young couple, and Kirstie just waved her hand and said she would have to work a little. And the inexperienced boy said, “there’s nothing a hammer can’t fix”. No, it’s not something a hammer can fix.

We then see Kirstie lingering by the fence outside the house and telling Phil, something like: “I’m a little worried about this house”. And I think, great, here it comes; he’s worried about the state of the building – and surprisingly, that seems to be what he wants us to think about.

But no. It seems that his concern is that he might miss out on the auction. My concern would be about them putting their hand up and taking it on sale. (They missed, luck to them.)

Potential problems are always visible on the show – evidence of leaks, rot, all kinds. They are not discussed at all. If the house is empty, Kirstie just calls it a “project”. Which begs the question, is it cheap to fix major problems in the UK? Even if it’s a lot of unknowns? Does it cost as much there as it does here to research buildings? Do they still need to get more expensive ground engineering reports?

You don’t hear the word ‘code-compliant’

Kirstie and Phil are selling stylish and stylish homes – Kirstie is great at suggesting which walls to knock down to open up the interior, and where to add extras. But there is no discussion of rising humidity or leakage where there should be.

And you don’t hear the words “code compliant”. No one questions anything that people did or did not do in the house in the past according to the law.

Compare this to buying a house back here. It is an absolute minefield today. First, there is the violation. Is it monolithic? Can banks lend money? If so, how much? Is it a rotten house? (At least UK houses are usually brick, stone or concrete. But they don’t care.)

Back here we ask what about the addition of 20 years back. Is it legal? What about that loft, those stairs, that new bathroom? Was it signed?

What about the location? Is it at home? Is it possible to flood? We have to worry about this now, and if the house is on a hill, then what are the chances of a landslide? Or does the water just flow down the mountain and pass through the house? How do you know if the area you’re looking at has already been flooded three times (but not with red glue) and someone fixed it and now wants to flip it?

Is it near the sea? Will we still have insurance in five years?

It would be nice if all we HAD to worry about was how the house looked, whether it was big enough, and how close it was to schools, trains and pubs.

A little authenticity can never go wrong

But back to Location, Location, Location. Yes, it’s definitely pure escapism and a feel-good show. But reality cannot go wrong.

Kirstie can be forced – is this also like fun? See the story of a cottage in Scotland. The townhouse they are showing the family is very small (minimum) and has a small dining area with french doors to the north facing garden (that’s the front so far). And Kirstie really says: “You can open the door even in winter and let a nice breeze come through.” It’s Scotland! The “good wind” will be snow and strong winds from the north.

So he crosses the road to a small house facing south in the back. It’s great because the sun is setting inside, but no one mentions this obvious benefit. Some of their customers ask for a “south facing garden”, which should be a double speaker for south facing bedrooms. And Kirstie seems angry with them for not liking the house facing the other way.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Kirstie. They often speak clearly. I love that they think the washing machine in the kitchen is a bad idea. He was criticized for saying that a few years ago. But he is right.

What about an upstairs bar in the bedroom?

And we love to look at (but never buy) character homes that seem impossible to live in, even if you’re tall. Placing sloping ceilings in bedrooms that make 70% of the space useless, doors that you have to slide down to get through. And you have to laugh at the couple who see the fourth floor turned into a mess. Who do they entertain there?

But the worst has to be the wrongly thin living rooms. Who wants to stand in line to watch TV in a room that’s considered a train station? One customer tells Phil that he can’t figure out what he doesn’t like about a particular house, even after visiting it ten times. But it is a thin place.

They finally settle on another house – one with a living room. Perfect fit, of course.

And let’s hope that all these checks and checks will be done on camera – the first report of the builder. You just know the banks want this. Isn’t it?